My Mum, Popcorn, And My Best Friend’s Dad

K is also well known in my friend’s house. The day my friend’s dad called K, my friend’s mother had come to Lagos to visit my friend and his wife who’d just had their first daughter. K was also in my friend’s house when the call came in.

“Don’t let anyone know I’m the one on the phone,” said my friend’s dad. “You’re going to help me text airtime to a young lady.”

K lost his voice for a moment. Then, “Okay, sir.”

“Good boy. I don’t want to use my phone to send it.” He gave K the girl’s number.

Before he was done with K, he told him to clandestinely warn my friend that he would be calling him next.

When he called he said, “Look. Better warn me when your mother is about to leave your house.”

“Why?” my friend said.

“You’re asking me why. I have a guest in the house, that’s why. If you don’t warn me, whatever you cause will be your problem.”

“Oh.”

“Yes. Call or text me on the day she’s leaving your place.”

My friend’s dad and his wife are still happily married.

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The Bottle

My friend recently started drinking. We didn’t know why or when exactly he started but we know that, after more than thirty-years of being a teetotaller he fell in love with the bottle. In a very big way. It also turns out that he’s a gifted drinker. After many hours of drinking, you’ll look at his table and be scared for him but then he’ll get up and drive you home, not one sentence out of his mouth out of place.

My friend’s dad was happy for him. He was proud of his son.

“Good you finally started drinking,” he told his surprised chief inheritor on the phone. “You’re a responsible man and all but a man should drink.”

“I have friends who don’t drink,” my friend said, mentioning my name.

“Well. There will be demons troubling them,” his dad said. “Look, you should have started drinking earlier.  If you had been drinking, you wouldn’t have had that problem with your business, or that matter with that girl you were going to marry. You’ll probably be more successful than this.”

“I don’t know about that, Dad. But is this what a dad should tell his son who just started drinking at 35?”

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